Parenting, the Musical

Two weeks ago, Audie turned one. We had such a great day, eating junk food and visiting the zoo. It is weird and wonderful to see her growing, and learning, and giving out ALL THE ATTITUDE. I can't believe she's been with us for a year, or that in that year, she has learned to sit up, crawl, stand and walk. I know people always say it, but man....it just goes so, so fast. It seems like last month, not last year, that I was afraid for her to sleep in her own room. Last week, maybe, when she couldn't sit in a high chair and steal every other bite of our dinners. But no, it's been a year, and now she is becoming her own little tiny person with a huge personality, and we are crazy about her. She has always loved music, so in honor of her birthday, I  want to write about some of my favorite songs, and how I see parenthood reflected in them.

First up: Superstitious, by Stevie Wonder
Full disclosure, this is actually what I think of as Audie's favorite song. When she was still in utero, she kicked like crazy when this song came on while we were watching the Grammys. So I started playing Stevie for her on my belly speakers. When we were home on maternity leave, I played a lot of Stevie on Spotify and Audie always listened intently. Even today, she likes to just have music on while she runs amok, and Stevie is always a go-to for us. So when I hear Stevie's music, I feel myself transported to those early days when we slept and ate when we wanted to, and stayed in our pajamas all day because we were on maternity leave and there was no where to be. It's a soundtrack to the time when we were learning about each other in a way we never will again: as strangers completely unsure of what we were doing or what was right and wrong.

Love They Say, by Tegan and Sara
In the final days of my pregnancy, I was hit, as I think many people are, by an intense fear of what exactly it was I had gotten myself into. I knew very little about babies, or birthing them for that matter, and I felt doubtful of my abilities to parent a newborn. I was driving, and this song came on shuffle on my iPhone. The lyrics "you don't have to worry/this love will make us worthy/there's nothing love can't do" came to my ears in a glorious melody. Suddenly I realized...even if I had no idea what I was doing, in the end I would love this baby with everything I've got. And that love would make me worthy of learning to parent her. Now when I hear this song, I feel reassured that, with love and flexibility, I will be the best parent I can be even when I have no idea what I'm doing.

Zigzagging Towards the Light, by Conor Oberst
While we are on the subject of flexibility, let's talk about this song, which inspired the title of this blog. To me, this is a song about thinking on your feet. About knowing that you'll end up somewhere in the light, even if you don't take the straightest path to it. About understanding that the circumstances are always changing. Conor has a way of saying things that speaks to me:"This world is smoke and steam/and compromise/and meter maids/but you will know it/when it's gone/ zigzagging toward the light/I sing out loud a founder's song"

Bowl of Oranges, by Bright Eyes
Another Conor Oberst song, my favorite of all time. It's about being alone, but then finding someone you can count on, and how relationships sustain us. It's a song about how life is chaotic but beautiful in that chaos. I sing it to Audie when she can't sleep at night. "that's why i'm singing baby don't worry/'cause now I've got your back/and every time you feel like crying/I will try and make you laugh/and if I can't/if it just hurts too bad/then we'll wait for it to pass/ and I will keep you company/through those days so long and black"

Boom, Clap, by Charli XKX
This is just flat out a great pop song. Audie and I like to listen to it and dance around and sing at the top of our lungs. It turns out, parenting isn't all serious songs. I think when we brought her home, and she was so tiny, and she had jaundice and it was serious, I thought maybe parenting was all serious songs. But it's great pop songs too, thank Hera.

Double Life, by Conor Oberst
Yes, another Conor Oberst song. I have no idea what he's actually talking about in this song, but I heard it and I thought "that's exactly how I felt about coming into motherhood!" He sings "I don't remember getting here/but I'm glad I came/just don't look down/just cross the bridge/when you get there/you'll know why you did/there's a better life on the other side/it's your double life on the other side" and it hit me hard. When we talked about having a baby, I was so resistant. But we did, and now that I'm here, I know why I agreed. For me, it's wonderful.

I don't remember getting here, but I'm glad I came.