I have written this post about nursing about 1,000 times in my head over the past 7 months. I never knew I could become so obsessed with a body fluid. Feeding a baby is complicated and emotional, far more so than I would have predicted before I had a baby. I think on some level I knew, because messaging about breastfeeding is pervasive and (in my opinion) sometimes aggressive. So I knew there was something swirling in the collective unconsciousness about baby-feeding. But I had no idea the size of the impact this had on my own unconsciousness.
I have never judged another woman for how she feeds her baby. Just feed your baby! However that works for you, whatever iteration or combination or exclusive or inclusive model works for you. There are so many variables that go into the feeding relationship between a parent and a baby; I could never presume to know or understand all of them. I don't understand all of them in my own feeding relationship. Other parents deserve my support, not some know-it-all judgey attitude from me.
Society does not give us this courtesy though. Whatever you've chosen, someone thinks is wrong, and they will tell you as if it is their business. The occasion when I was most offended when I was pregnant was related to this phenomenon. I was barely pregnant, we had just started telling people, and we went out to lunch with family. A family member told the waitress I was pregnant, and she said, no joke, "Of course you'll breastfeed, right?"I.Was.Shocked. This woman, whom I had exchanged maybe 5 words with, suddenly presumed to know so much about me. The decisions a person makes about feeding a child are deeply personal, emotional, conflicting. But here's this waitress, invading my life in a way that had zero regard for any of that. I was angry; I felt raw and exposed. I have come to find that this event is indicative of how society treats women with babies; not as free-thinking individuals with choices, but as if there is a one-size-fits-all approach to baby-feeding. The "right way" or no way.
There are actual experts who exist in this field of baby-feeding. I have had mixed results in my interactions with them. I had the help of a wonderful lactation consultant who supported me, taught me, and dried lots of my tears. I had a terrible pediatrician tell me I was starving my daughter while I waited for my milk to come in and forced me to feed formula. Our normal pediatrician has been supportive and kind, although not particularly educational. My point is this: if even "experts" can't agree, then who can say what the absolute best answer for every person could be? Certainly not our waitress.
Messaging about breastfeeding is all around. On one hand, of course I can understand the importance of such messages. Breastfeeding can be hard. Sometimes you need a reminder about how it's important to keep going, if you can. But as a person who has struggled with nursing/pumping...these messages seem aggressive. The messages hold women back, pit us against each other. Particularly those messages about how "breastfeeding is natural! Your body was made for it!" are really troubling for me. Yes, we are all mammals. In theory, our bodies are designed to feed milk to our young. But in reality, we all exist within normal biological variation, and some women can make loads and loads of milk, and some women can make none and some make barely enough. And if you're in those last two categories? Those messages make you feel like shit, a failure, a loser. Those messages weighed me down with guilt and self-loathing and anxiety.
Throughout history, I believe women faced much less pressure. Women worked together, forming a village where they could share responsibility for children and nursing. If you were a woman who made lots of milk, you fed the babies of the women who didn't make as much. That still exists to some extent, with women who donate to individuals or to milk banks. But overall I feel women today are isolated and we feed our babies without the benefit of that supportive societal village. The societal village has become a peanut gallery instead, throwing rotten tomatoes at you when you trip up.
Please don't misunderstand. Among people whom I actually know, and have relationships with, I have had wonderful, loving support on my nursing journey. Every time I have struggled, I have had my husband and many supporting women and my therapist to cry to and I have felt their love and empathy. These relationships have kept me moving forward for far longer than I could ever have done on my own. My village is wonderful; the societal village is failing. Which of course is part of a larger conversation about women in society at all.
I'm not done writing about this topic. I have a lot more to say, but I need more time to gather my thoughts. If you're reading this and want to share your own thoughts or journey, you're welcome as a guest poster on this blog.
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