On: Being Mommy

I came to parenting fairly reluctantly. I knew that I wanted a child eventually, but I kept pushing back "eventually" for a long time. I approached parenting with trepidation, fear even, about how my life and relationships would change. The day that I took the pregnancy test, I went to yoga class and cried into my mat; it seemed to be the end of life as I knew it.

That day was the end of life as I knew it. As my belly grew, so did my emotions. The fear remained, but there was also love, and confusion, and excitement, and doubt. A myriad of emotions too large to list here.

Before I got pregnant, I knew who I was. I was a person who loved her husband, her job, her pets, her family and friends. And I'm still that person, of course. But I exist now in a state of flux and uncertainty. I am growing; I am bigger. Being "mommy" has challenged me in ways I never expected. I'm figuring out how to be wife, mom, employee, and Bonnie. And it's hard. It's hard in the way they show in the movies, with the poopy diapers and late nights and the laundry (good God, the never ending laundry). But it's harder still in the areas that aren't so popular in pop culture. I am transformed. My relationships are transformed. The ways I move and exist in the world are transformed.

Our daughter is wonderful. I'm absolutely crazy about her. Had I known just how amazing she would be, I would not have cried into my yoga mat. She is hilarious and weird and smart, a deliriously joyful addition to our lives. Our family used to be a motorcycle; now we are an unwieldy tricycle which is fun and crazy and I have no idea how to drive it.

Here's what I hope this space can be: a place to talk about the transformations, the new circumstances, in my life. A place where I can be honest as I learn new ways of being. A place where I can examine the challenges and triumphs of this new life and be joyful and open in doing so.